A Very Metal Gear Christmas
by Shade Wolf
Summary: Sean Connery presents the origin of Christmas, and all of the MGS crew take a part. Read and review if you want, I don't really care, as it was fun to write.


Simon Wolf-Gough presents...  
  
-A VERY METAL GEAR CHRISTMAS-  
  
.:.A collage of Christmas tales, legends and myth, the latter being the birth of Christ.:.  
  
PART ONE - The origin of Christmas  
  
(cut to Sean Connery on a comfy armchair, smoking a pipe and reading a porn magazine)  
  
Sean: (fakes shock to see the camera) Oh, hello. Didn't see you there. I am a Scottish actor. Now then, let's move onto how Christmas came to be, aye? It all began years ago, when a man named Joseph decided he wanted to knock up a young tart named Mary...  
  
(fade to an old Middle Eastern village. Snake is walking along the dusty roads with Mei Ling, both of whom are wearing robes)  
  
Sean V/O: Back then, you couldn't make a lass pregnant without marrying her, unlike today, when you can do a lady then walk off without a care in the world. But, Joseph, being the skinflint bastard he is, decided not to marry her, and so Mary remained a virgin.  
  
Snake: (to Mei Ling) Dammit Mary, you know I don't have the gold to pay for a wedding.  
  
Mei Ling: Then no sex for you! Remember ancient Chinese saying, "Until band on my ring finger, you have no action with your schlokdinger"  
  
Snake: The Chinese used the word schlokdinger?  
  
Mei Ling: Don't ad lib!  
  
Random Passer-by: (to Mary) Hey baby, show us your poontang!  
  
Snake: SHE'S MY BITCH, FUCKER! (pulls out a SOCOM and opens fire upon the man)  
  
Mei Ling: Sna- I mean, Joseph, back in the days before Christ there were no guns.  
  
Snake: Then how'd you kill people?  
  
Mei Ling: Uh, with bows. And arrows. And spears.  
  
Snake: Do I have any of those?  
  
Mei Ling: ... No.  
  
Snake: Damn!  
  
(scene fades out)  
  
Sean V/O: But, that night, an angel from the Lord came down to Mary, and said...  
  
(scene fades in on Mei Ling, naked in bed. An African-American angel comes down from the ceiling)  
  
Angel: Mary, I bring word from the big poppa upstairs, and the word is... (notices Mei Ling is naked) DAY-AM, GIRL! You go some fine ass going to waste there. My snoop-doggy-dog is raisin' to the roof as we speak!  
  
Mei Ling: Did we have to hire a black man to play the angel?  
  
Angel: Bitch got some attitude.  
  
Mei Ling: What message did you bring me?  
  
Angel: Oh yeah, God sent me down here to tell you that when you wake up in the mornin', you'll be pregnant.  
  
Mei Ling: (angry) SNAAAAAKE!  
  
Snake O/C: Aww...  
  
Angel: Naw, girl. The Lord be giving you his son. And you'll name him Jesus.  
  
Mei Ling: What a stupid name.  
  
Angel: Yeah, the good Lord ain't that good at naming things. Just look at the 'platypus'.  
  
Mei Ling: Or 'cumquat'  
  
Snake (now in the bedroom as well): Or 'America'  
  
Angel: Call! (high fives Snake)  
  
Mei Ling: So, I wake up, and I'm pregnant?  
  
Angel: Oh yeah. And as stupid a name as it is, call him Jesus, or Jehovah up there gonna open a can of whoop ass all over your tight butt.  
  
Mei Ling: Alright...  
  
(scene fades out)  
  
Sean V/O: And so, Mary slept, possibly because God put some date-rape pills in her water and did her doggy-style all night long. I prefer the missionary position, myself, but the Lord works in mysterious ways. So, the next day, Mary awoke pregnant. What happened next surprised everyone...  
  
(scene fades in on Snake kneeling in front of Mary)  
  
Snake: Mary, do you want to, you know, get married?  
  
Mei Ling: Umm, sure. Even though you'll be raising your stepson.  
  
Snake: So God will be paying half the childcare, right?  
  
Mei Ling: Well, it took some reasoning, but we've decided that he'd give us eternal salvation in return for looking after this kid until he's in his twenties.  
  
Snake: TILL HIS TWENTIES?! I CAN'T AFFORD THAT! I COULD BARELY AFFORD YOUR RING!  
  
Mei Ling: You made the ring out of cow dung.  
  
Snake: (pause) Oh yeah, right. But I can still barely afford it. This is high quality cow dung!  
  
Mei Ling: So, what's the next important plot point in this legend made to scare kids late at night?  
  
(an official walks over)  
  
Official: Hey dude. You gotta go back to your hometown.  
  
Snake: What?! Back to Bethlehem? I hate that place!  
  
Official: Well, you gotta go.  
  
Snake: Poop!  
  
(scene fades out)  
  
Sean V/O: So Mary and Joseph went to Bethlehem, which amazingly took 9 months, mainly because Joseph forgot the map. But, they made it back to Bethlehem, where they tried to find a place to stay...  
  
(scene fades in on Joseph and Mary outside a hotel, talking to the owner, Kat)  
  
Snake: So, you got any rooms?  
  
Kat: No, there's a convention this week.  
  
Mei Ling: Convention?  
  
Kat: Yeah, group of chess fanatics. They're currently in the hall talking about strategies they've won with.  
  
Snake: Ouch. I myself hate chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. (A/N: Read it aloud, then remember an old Christmas song. Get it?)  
  
Mei Ling: So, you have no rooms at all?  
  
Kat: No. Now go away before the jaguar strikes!  
  
Snake: Jaguar?  
  
(a jaguar with bright red eyes jumps out of the hotel and starts mauling Snake)  
  
Snake: OH SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS ON A POGOSTICK, IT HURTS!  
  
Mei Ling: I don't think it's safe having a jaguar in your hotel.  
  
Kat: Well I don't think it's safe for you to get pregnant on your first night with the Lord!  
  
Mei Ling: Touché.  
  
Snake: (still being mauled) WHY THE PAIN!  
  
(scene fades out)  
  
Sean V/O: But soon they found refuge at a local manatee manger, because back then manatees were regarded as equals of kings. Really. I'm not making this up! They worshiped at the flippers of the manatees, upholding their every whim! As for Mary and Joseph, they had to sleep in the shed out back with the stupid ones...  
  
(scene fades on Mei Ling, her legs spread apart and screaming. Snake is wincing while watching)  
  
Snake: (to a manatee in a pool near him) Pretty sick, huh?  
  
Manatee: I'm a manatee.  
  
Snake: Really? Cool. So, you like watching chicks give birth?  
  
Manatee: I have a layer of blubber to keep me warm.  
  
Snake: Oh... um... cool...  
  
Manatee: I live near Florida.  
  
Snake: Dude, talk to the hand!  
  
Manatee: I don't have hands, I have flippers.  
  
Snake: Quiet, sea cow!  
  
Manatee: But I'm a manatee.  
  
Snake: Whatever, sea cow.  
  
Manatee: But I need my blubber to stay warm in the ocean.  
  
Mei Ling: (squealing) Guys, I need a doctor!  
  
(Pablosky jumps in)  
  
Pablosky: I'm a doctor!  
  
Snake: Really?  
  
Pablosky: (sad) No.  
  
Manatee: Manatees can't become doctors. We just swim in the ocean.  
  
Snake: Shut it, sea cow.  
  
Manatee: I like seagrass, it helps me live.  
  
Snake: Ignore him. Anyway, Pablosky, why'd you pretend to be a doctor?  
  
Pablosky: For all the free poontang I get to see. And smell!  
  
Snake: Smell?  
  
Pablosky: You'd be surprised what we do in Argentina.  
  
Mei Ling: Uhnnn!   
  
Manatee: I'm roly-poly.  
  
(scene fades out)  
  
Sean V/O: But, meeting a manatee wasn't all that was in store for Mary and Joseph! Mary passed out from various pain killers after having her vagina dilated to around ten centimetres, and being forced to begin to push a hefty load through a hole used previously only by fingers and various fruits or vegetables. Meanwhile, in a field nearby, three shepherds watched their flocks by night...  
  
(scene fades in on Raiden, Liquid and Solidus sitting around. They are all wearing shepherds clothes and are staring at their sheep)?  
  
Raiden: So, umm...  
  
Liquid: Uh... nice sheep.  
  
Solidus: You know what? I went on eBay, and bought us a manatee.  
  
Liquid: Cool!  
  
Raiden: How much was it?  
  
Solidus: Uh, you guys don't mind performing sexual favours to middle aged Japanese men, do you?  
  
Liquid: Not really...  
  
Raiden: What's a sexual favour?  
  
Solidus: Good, good. We'll have our manatee tomorrow then.  
  
Liquid: Sweet!  
  
(the black angels descends from heaven)  
  
Angel: Yo! Homies!  
  
Liquid: (looks up) Hey. Hows it going?  
  
Solidus: AAAAAHHH! GIANT EAGLE! DON'T TAKE MY BRAIN!  
  
Angel: Chill, dude. I'm an angel from the Lord.  
  
Solidus: AAAAAHHH! ANGEL! DON'T TAKE MY BRAIN!  
  
Angel: That's it, the Lord is gonna smote your ass.  
  
Raiden: So, Mr. Angel...  
  
Angel: Call me Rufus.  
  
Raiden: Oh, ok. Mr. Rufus, why are you here?  
  
Angel: I bring word to your buggerizing asses that the Son of The Lord has been born!  
  
Liquid: Did you just say that the drum of a whore has been torn?!  
  
Solidus: When did you start not taking your medication?  
  
Liquid: Around the same time that sheep began singing Pink Floyd songs, but properly.  
  
(camera flips to a sheep, which is standing up on its hind legs)  
  
Sheep:Hey! Educator!  
  
Do not bother your pupils!  
  
In the end you are most assuredly   
  
Another concrete block in the roof holder.  
  
Raiden: I like sheep.  
  
Angel: Get yo white asses down to the ol' manatee manger!  
  
(scene fades out)  
  
Sean V/O: And so, the three shepherds went to the manatee ranch. Meanwhile, in a bar to the east of this manatee ranch...  
  
(scene fades in on a bar filled with people. We focus in on two men, Shade Wolf and Pablosky)  
  
Shade: (drunk) It's a great idea, Pablo, but they've already got a buncha fics about Metal Gear Solid...  
  
Pablosky: Aww, heck...  
  
(camera moves over to Otacon, Ocelot and Mantis, all of whom are quite inebriated)  
  
Otacon: So guys, I thinks I got us a gig.  
  
Ocelot: (drinking vodka) Nah, comrade.. Maybe we should quit this whole boy band thing.  
  
Otacon: Dude, no! We can't quit! The Three Wise Men shall rock even harder, with the hotness of the Backstreet Boys, the street smarts of N*Sync, and the gayness of Justin Timberlake.  
  
Mantis: Guys, look out the window...  
  
(they peer out the window, and see a frickin' HUGE star)  
  
Ocelot: What does that mean...?  
  
Otacon: Well, according to 'Gigs & Hentai Weekly', the saviour of mankind will be born under a frickin' huge star today.  
  
Mantis: Guys! Let's go! We can be the welcome band!  
  
Otacon: Whatever...  
  
(those three leave. The camera, however, focuses on Shade and Pablosky again)  
  
Shade: (points off camera) Look over there, dude. There's three HOT chicks.  
  
Pablosky: Two of thems are guys. And you already have a girlfriend!  
  
Shade: Meh, she's open-minded. (yells at O/C people) Hey baby! You got boyfriend Vietnam! Me so horny! Me love you long time!  
  
(camera pans to see KatUK, Sephiroth-02-01 and TheFluffyOne sitting together)  
  
Sephiroth: Nice! I better take that for my fics! (scribbles on notepad)  
  
Fluffy: Wait, it was my idea to do a Christmas special! MINE! (starts sobbing) Why'd you steal it? Waahhhh! (runs off)  
  
Kat: Sick him, Ruffles.  
  
(a jaguar leaps from next to Kat off camera. We hear Shades bloody cries)  
  
Kat: Stupid Australian.  
  
Pablosky: (walks on camera) Yeah, I know.  
  
(scene fades out)  
  
Sean: And so, the author was mutilated by a jaguar. But, over at the manatee hostel, things were heating up...  
  
(scene fades in on Mei Ling and Snake sitting together, looking at baby Jesus, who surprisingly looks like Raiden. Just like that damn cat!)  
  
Snake: *sigh* I'm glad he ain't mine. Ugly little bastard.  
  
Mei Ling: Joseph!  
  
Snake: What?! God hasn't exactly married you yet, has he?  
  
Mei Ling: Well, no...  
  
Snake: Very well.  
  
(Solidus, Raiden and Liquid all rock up)  
  
Solidus: Hey guys. Where's that saviour kid?  
  
Snake: Right there. (points at manger)  
  
Liquid: (looks at Jesus) Ugh, monstrously ugly. Looks like Raid- I mean, Shepherd 3.  
  
Raiden: It's like staring into a mirror.  
  
(cut to a manatee)  
  
Manatee: I'm a manatee.  
  
Raiden O/C: Hee hee! Silly manatee!  
  
(Otacon, Ocelot and Mantis walk in with their guitars and microphones)  
  
Otacon: HELLO BETHLEHEM! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!  
  
(silence)  
  
Otacon: I SAID, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!  
  
Mei Ling: You'll wake up the baby!  
  
Ocelot: (under his breath) Damn children, ruining our songs...  
  
Mantis: What if we sing a lullaby?  
  
Mei Ling: That sounds good!  
  
Ocelot: *ahem*  
  
Wasting away once again in Magarittaville...  
  
Snake: That song isn't suitable for minors.  
  
(scene fades to black; scene fades into Sean Connery in his chair)  
  
Sean: And so, we bring this story to a close. Bet your priest wouldn't read this stuff out at church. Bet you wish he did! If only all bible stories were so full of violence, manatees and sexual situations. Man should make a movie of this crap. I could star, and use my amazing Scottish accent to it's full potential!  
  
Shade: Just shutup, dammit! We're cutting to a commercial! And you are so fired!  
  
Sean: Just because you couldn't write a fucking good bunch of lines for me to say...  
  
Shade: I was doing my best!  
  
Sean: Your best? Losers are always whining about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen!  
  
Shade: Don't you dare comment on my lack of ability to bed the female monarch of the graduation dance!  
  
*****COMMERCIAL BREAK*****  
  
(cut to a black screen)  
  
Voice Over: If you loved such holiday albums as The Santa Clause Soundtrack, and the Sphincter Claus Soundtrack, you'll love this...  
  
(cut to an album reading 'Metal Gear Christmas')  
  
Voice Over: A Metal Gear Christmas Album! Filled with such holiday classics as Away In A Manger!  
  
(cut to Liquid singing)  
  
Liquid:Away in a manger,  
  
No crib for a bed!  
  
The little Lord... something...  
  
Laid down his... umm... head.  
  
Voice Over: Santa Claus!  
  
(cut to Raiden singing)  
  
Raiden:Here comes Santa Claus,  
  
here comes Santa Claus,  
  
down that lane named after him!  
  
Voice Over: Oops I Did It Again!  
  
(cut to Solidus)  
  
Solidus: There is no way in hell I am singing that.  
  
Voice Over: Staying Alive!  
  
(cut to Snake)  
  
Snake: Well you can tell by the way I use my walk,  
  
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk...  
  
Voice Over: And featuring many songs by celebrities, including Lady Croft! Not to be confused with Lara Croft!  
  
(cut to a sign reading 'Song Pending Reply From Said Singer')  
  
Voice Over: And many, many others!  
  
(cut to Vulcan Raven singing)  
  
Raven:I'm the only gay eskimo,  
  
I'm the only one that I know,  
  
I'm the only gay eskimo,  
  
In my tribe...  
  
Voice Over: Warning, this album is rated M, MA, R, PG, AO, and is only recommended to be heard by deaf people. Or wankers with bad hearing. It contains swearing, verbal erotica, more swearing, xenophobia, and the f word is dropped as often as soap in a men-only steam bath.  
  
*****END COMMERCIAL BREAK*****  
  
(cut to Shade in front of a staircase)  
  
Shade: *ahem* Please forgive Sean Connery, he had to leave. For surgery. Of the butt. Heh heh heh... Anyway, please welcome your new guest host, Patrick Stewart!  
  
(cut to Patrick Stewart sitting in his chair)  
  
Patrick: Hello. Now then, here are three of my own dark secrets you may want to hear.  
  
Voice Over: NUMBER ONE!  
  
Patrick: The original title of 'Star Trek: Nemesis' was 'Star Trek: Genesis'. We were supposed to hunt down and kill Phil Collins.  
  
Voice Over: NUMBER TWO!  
  
Patrick: Whenever I am considering a role I always ask two questions. Does the story contain a strong female character, and will my character at some point nail that ass.  
  
Voice Over: NUMBER THREE!  
  
Patrick: If William Shatner ever pulls you into the bathroom and asks if you want to see the captain's log, just say no. I fell for that nine times!  
  
(ancient laugh track plays)  
  
Patrick: Thank you, thank you. And now, I present the tale... of Santa Claus.  
  
(fade to a happy village at the North Pole, filled with joyful elves and reindeer)  
  
Patrick V/O: This is what people generally think of the North Pole as. A vibrant place, where all is merry and no one is ever sad. Just look at Santa!  
  
(Santa walks out of a house)  
  
Santa: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!  
  
Patrick: That's him alright, in all his plumpness. Delivering toys to all the children. But sometimes, Santa gets a little... naughty.  
  
(cut to Santa in a dominatrix outfit, whipping a reindeer while doing a elf up the butt with a strap-on)  
  
Santa: Merry whipping to all!  
  
Elf: (crying) Oh god, it hurts!  
  
Santa: Shut your bitch mouth, ho! Ho! Ho!  
  
(scene fades out)  
  
Patrick: I'm kidding. He's never like that. He's more like a mix between your drunk, abusing father and a jolly man.  
  
(scene fades in on Santa sitting down, reviewing his list)  
  
Santa: Hmm, George W. Bush wants the book 'Presidency For Dummies', eh? Hmm, I see he's been very naughty this year, what with that completely irrational war in Iraq... I think he gets coal. What do you say, Dominic?  
  
Dominic The Elf: I'd have to go with giving him the book.  
  
Santa: (takes a drink of whiskey) Quiet you, no one asked you.  
  
Dominic: But you did.  
  
Santa: (drinks more whiskey) I said quiet!  
  
Dominic: But, Santa, I thought that-  
  
(Santa smashes the bottle over Dominic's head)  
  
Santa: I told you to shut your mouth, Charlie!  
  
(scene fades out)  
  
Patrick V/O: As you can see, most department store Santa's catch the personality of the real one quite well. But, what of the reindeer? Let's take a look at those animals that fly Santa Claus across the world...  
  
(scene fades in of all nine of Santa's reindeer)  
  
Donner: So, Blitzen, what'd you do last night?  
  
Blitzen: I peed in your food dish.  
  
Donner: You DID WHAT?! YOU FREAKING BASTARD! I'LL STAPLE AN AMERICAN FLAG TO YOUR BUTT AND MAIL YOU TO IRAQ!  
  
Vixen: Just chill out, Donner.  
  
Donner: You shut your whore mouth, Vixen!  
  
Dancer: Don't you talk about Vixen like that, he did nothing!  
  
Donner: What are YOU going to do about it, Dancer? Scare me off with a fucking foxtrot? Or a tango!?  
  
Comet: Donner, take a couple of deep breaths and count to ten.  
  
Donner: Ok, man... *breathe* One two three-  
  
Prancer: Wanker.  
  
Donner: Oh, that is it! You're going down!  
  
(Donner puts Prancer in a strangle hold)  
  
Prancer: Help!  
  
Donner: How ya going to prance your way out of this one, huh?!  
  
(scene fades out)  
  
Patrick: Bet you didn't know that all reindeer were murderous bastards filled with anthropomorphism, eh? Well, moving on, every year, Santa goes off and delivers toys to children around the world. But, he always makes a special stop for all those video game characters at their annual cross-platform party...  
  
(scene fades in on hundreds of video game characters at a huge Christmas party. The camera pans onto Snake and Sam Fisher arguing)  
  
Snake: You cheated me out of that win, fucker!  
  
Sam: Admit it, Snake, you're a has-been!  
  
Snake: I'll kill you!  
  
Sam: Bring it on, old man!  
  
(A/N: Reference to Chicken Fox's 'Deathmatch' fic. Read it and laugh)  
  
(camera pans over to Otacon ogling those girls from Dead Or Alive)  
  
Otacon: Man, this is what I call fan service!  
  
(camera continues to pan, until we see Santa handing out the gifts to everyone)  
  
Santa: And for you, little Sonic, a big box of rings!  
  
Sonic: Sweet! Now I won't have to perform sexual favours for Dr. Robotnik for my daily high...  
  
Santa: And for you, Solidus, names of six members of the Patriots!  
  
Solidus: WHAT?! I DIDN'T GET THE COMPLETE SET?!  
  
Santa: You have been very naughty, Solidus, what with all the destruction of Manhattan.  
  
Solidus: That was the Patriots fault! Damn the Patriots!  
  
Santa: And for you, Miss Mei Ling...  
  
Mei Ling: Yes?  
  
Santa: A all-access pass to E3!  
  
Mei Ling: WHEEEEEEE!  
  
(scene fades out)  
  
Patrick V/O: And so, we bring this Christmas special to a close. I hope you had fun, you perverted bastards.  
  
(scene fades in on the entire MGS crew)  
  
Snake: We, the characters, would like to wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year.  
  
Meryl: Thanks for reading, and be sure to get into the festive spirit, and review as much work as you can!  
  
Otacon: 'Cause believe it or not folk, there are actually people who write this stuff. It isn't just pumped out by a machine known as the 'FanFictionizor 4000'  
  
Solidus: That's right. People write this stuff, and they really appreciate reviews.  
  
Vamp: So this year, be sure to drink the blood of every fan fiction author you meet.  
  
Fortune: Later, Vamp!  
  
Liquid: *ahem* The following is a picture of what people who write this stuff should be like...  
  
(cut to a 16 year old boy on the net)  
  
Boy: Dum dee dum, checking out guns... wait a minute, 12 new messages?! All reviews of my yaoi MGS fiction?! This is the best Christmas EVER!  
  
(cut back to the crew)  
  
Fatman: Instead of like this.  
  
(cut to the same boy as before)  
  
Boy: It's been a month since I posted my fic, and no reviews... (puts a gun to his head and pulls the trigger)  
  
(cut back to the crew)  
  
Mei Ling: Do you REALLY want innocent blood on your hands, just because you didn't review?!  
  
Vamp: (looks at hands) My hands are already covered with innocent blood.  
  
Fortune: NOT NOW, VAMP!  
  
Sniper Wolf: Remember, every review helps people out.  
  
Raiden: SO do as many as you can, okay?  
  
Everyone: THANK YOU, AND HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!  
  
*****END FIC*****  
  
Shade: Hoo boy, that was a doozy to write. Well, I hope you paid attention to those guys. C'mon, authors put a lot of time and effort into their fics, and usually get very few reviews. I count myself lucky to have a decent fan base, including people like KatUK, TheFluffyOne, and Sephiroth-02-01. So c'mon, just make a couple of reviews. For me? 


End file.
